Another sarky letter

Well, for ages I've been receiving letters from Foxtons asking me to sell my house, and I decided that, as I have received multiple letters over multiple years, to not reply would just be rude. But then I realised, I could be even ruder if I DID reply. And thus this abomination was born:

Dear Mr Rafter,

I'm writing to you about your recent letter to me asking me to sell my property on REDACTED, BITCH. It is one of a plethora which I have been receiving for over 2 years now, and I have finally decided to respond to these letters, as I was raised by my parents to reply to all letters sent my way. I apologise for the fact that I didn't write to you before, but I merely assumed that the letter was a one-off, then a two-off, and so on, and that there was little urgency for my property to be sold to provide for these poor people looking for places to live. Yet I have a dilemna, as much as I hate to see other people dissatisfied, I do not feel that I am in a position to sell this property to them.

I realise that I sound cruel, but I cannot sell my property. Not to you, and not to your "Corporate tenants urgently seeking properties". The reason for this is twofold. Firstly, the property I live in is rented by a landlord, the identity of which is most assuredly not me. I'm sure you've been so desperately eager to house your poor, starving company, that you've neglected to check who actually owns the property, rather than the tenants, and for this I forgive you, as your humanitarianism has clearly been the cause of this oversight. Instead, I commend your altruism, and wish more people were so blindly eager to serve others with such zealous abandon, as you are.

The second reason that I cannot sell you this property is one which I'm sure was also overlooked by you and your staff, and thus is completely forgiveable. Though you may smack your palm to your forehead and think of yourself as a massive fool or a complete bletherskate for not realising this, do not, for clearly you are driven by pure humanitarianism, and are not merely some corrupt, money-grabbing parasite. This small, almost inconsequential fact, is that I am currently 17, and thus not in a position to legally own ANY property in the United Kingdom (or Northern Ireland). Despite the fact that you've been sending these letters to me since I was 15, when I was still unable to even buy myself a pint and a meal, the first I passed off as a clerical error, the fact that I continuously have been receiving letters from you shows that your blind devotion to the greater good of humanity clearly hid this fact from you, as you were over-keen to help others. However, I heartily inform you that you have been getting closer, as my 18th birthday happens to fall upon the 28th of this month of May. Your choice of whether or not to send me a gift is optional.

There is one more matter which I would like to talk to you about, and that is addressing letters to me and my sister, as you occasionally do, under the assumption that we are married. Though my sister is a beautiful and charming young lady, I find that she is not my type, as I prefer my women to be slightly taller, darker of complexion, not possessing the same face as I do and genetically unrelated to me. Yes, I realise that I appear rather picky, but I am much more lenient on the first two points, as women of all complexions and heights can be attractive. 

Thus, to summarise this e-mail; I cannot sell my house because I am a tenant and a minor, and I shy away from incest. I am terribly sorry if any of this news has upset you or inconvenienced you, but I do hope that you can find this company a home, yet if you cannot, I would recommend putting it up for adoption, and would only resort to euthanasia as a last resort, as even the mangiest and unloved of companies deserves the sacred gift of live. Again, I apologise for not informing you of these facts earlier, and do not at all blame you for not checking your facts, as you clearly were so single-mindedly determined upon helping others and not merely looking for a commission like certain ladies of the night scrounging about for a spot of benzoylmethylcgonine in its freebase form.

Yours apologetically, 

Christopher Shapiro.

Do note, that the freebase form of benzoylmethylcgonine is crack cocaine. I will inform you kiddies if he replies.