Rant #1: DC's BS

First in a series of little rants. Enjoy.

David Cameron's "Big Society" is a society where the people help run their local governments and can therefore tailor their needs. It means that people will vote for the actual party they want to vote for, rather than being torn between self-interest in their local government and their higher political ideals. Now, as political philosophy goes, great idea I guess, improving the voting system, making everything more democratic. But, as Mr Newton constantly reminds us in his set (especially Jack Cohen), politics has to be practically sound as well. That's why democracy completely falls flat on its arse, but that's a rant for another time. Anyway, let's look at this from a more realistic perspective. What Cameron is doing is, for all intents and purposes, removing any party policy from mattering in local politics, as well as making the local politician a puppet to the outspoken in the community who decide to harass him into voicing their opinions. Which I guess is what English democracy needs. But then the local politician becomes redundant. So why pay him so much? Or at all? And surely the whole idea behind the big society, put into layman's terms is just a typical childish tantrum, saying "Well if you're going to make fun of me while I'm doing it, I'm not playing any more! You do it!"

The whole point of a local politician is to run things while OTHER PEOPLE DO THEIR JOBS. I mean getting everyone to pitch in and help is a lovely idea and all, but so is giving everyone a jet-pack so we can all fly around everywhere, but we all know that's stupid. So what we're doing is letting the guy who's supposed to be running our borough relax while everyone else does the work. Which is basically like splitting the country up into tiny, really shit autocratic states, whose rulers are basically puppets who get paid to do nothing. So just scaled down version of England as it is now.

The professional politician, the expert, is being told to stand down so that the people he's meant to be helping can basically do whatever they want. Now, does nobody see how imbecilic that is? How about we introduce this to all aspects of life? Instead of having doctors who actually know what they're doing and are part of the NHS, we should just get everyone who wants to pitch in come round the hospitals and give the diagnoses on patients and tell the professional doctors what to prescribe them and which operations to perform on them! That's a great idea!

Don't think so? No shit.

(Also love how Big Society can be abbreviated to BS)

The Summary

As I promised, I'm going to write about Matty's last night. It actually turned out to be quite a good party, nobody going over the top or anything, no massive mess in the morning, everyone had a good time, no random militant guys tried to crash it. Oh, wait...

I'm only going to include stuff which I haven't been begged by someone not to ever tell people about, so it might seem a bit brief. Think I'll do this person by person rather than with a timeline, it's easier and I can't remember the exact sequence of events.

Well, at first when people started arriving it seemed fine, all was good, but then after about an hour, the brilliant and wise Jack Stuart got so drunk we had to drag him upstairs to Matty's sister's room, where he spent the night vomiting and trembling, which we assumed wasn't a good thing. At like 4 I got a text from his mum asking where the fuck Jack was, and apparently she didn't sleep at all last night, so I assume he's fucked. He woke up at like 6 and went home, with a phone full of missed calls and frantic texts, and lacking a sock. At least he didn't do any whaling.

Actually, you know what, shoulda started with me. Well I got there early because my internet was down at home, and had a lovely chat with his sister, in which, despite Matty and my best efforts to censor me, drugs, paedophilia and threesomes came up. When people came, as I said, it was mellow, I had a few of my massively shit self-rolled fags, mostly to stay outside away from the people I hated. Alas, my plan failed, as they soon followed me out, but I bore through it mostly. Later I went to get Lucy from KFC, where I met a rabid Wolff. After getting back we mostly stayed upstairs, chilling with caterpillar cake. We heard the doorbell go, and me and, I think Laura, went to answer it, upon which some guy we don't know tries to get in. I grab his arm and ask him to leave, then he does the same and starts getting militant. Now, I was holding caterpillar cake and some beer, so I didn't particularly feel violent, for once, so I basically just kept on asking him to leave, even offering him caterpillar cake, albeit belittlingly (couldn't resist myself, I'm not a total pacifist). Anyway, one of his mates comes and tries to get him to leave a well, and after a couple of minutes, they dragged him out. After that, not much happened again for a while (which I'm allowed to speak of), mostly just making jokes with Lucy while Calyx got angry at us. There was a bit of fun with Jack, but that might have been before the guy trying to come in. Anyway, much later, the guys tried to come in again, but this time Joe answered the door, and when I came they were squaring off with each other, so I resignedly sighed, shared an eye-roll with my counterpart in their group, and started to break things up, which basically worked, except when we shut the door he did bang on it like he thought it was Keira Knightley. Anyway, a bit after this, downstairs, I was sitting with Calyx, and I was suddenly struck by how fucking hilarious the whole night was, and I started laughing. A couple of hours later, I stopped. You never really think about it, but laughing works your whole upper body out, including your face, arms and neck, so right after I stopped I became incredibly tired and in pain. After that not much happened with me, I declined the offer of making food at 3 am and instead chose to go to sleep, which mostly consisted of lying on a bed in pain. In the morning, not much happened, we just cleaned up a bit and left.

Fuck it, here's just a list of other stupid shit which happened:
-Batu arrived with these two, for lack of a better term/any elegance, ugly dog-women, and started getting off with one for ages;
-Flaxy got head from, what is now forever in my mind known as, the sperm whale outside on a bench;
-Not sure I'm allowed to mention this, but Joe and Laura got a bit "friendly";
-Amber took about 10 minutes to try and figure out how to use a camera, which took Jack (not yet paralytic and having a seizure) about half a second to work;
-I have a feeling Hannah and Dan did something (not together, I mean something stupid and funny, not dirty and v. wrong);
-A Christian was thrown to a Wolff, very Nero-esque, but slightly more French (wow, I'm so sublte. I could write the lovelines in the Broadsheet).

Anyway yeah, that's a brief summary of all I can be really bothered to remember about yesterday. There were way too many people I hate though, including Penny, King-size Penny, Aryan, and more!

Let's see where this goes

Well, I'm bored so I decided to get back into regular posting, but as I don't particularly have much I want to talk about, I'll probably just end up writing a brief essay on something historical, because that's what I always do. But before I do, brief summary of what's been happening recently.

Yesterday I escaped from the clutches of the she-devil by going home at 1, and went back up to Highgate to meet Jack and Jilly, who had, by the time I'd run into them, met the Oxford Crew, except Jonno, who arrived later. We jammed there, until 7ish when Ben, Robbie and Matty met us to go to Gerrans', which was a massive shitfest, and we ended up not doing much except having free drinks and smoking basically. On the way back we had some laughs, and on the tube My skin quickly caught fire, so I got off and walked up to Hampstead, along the way being offered a 3 some by a strange couple, which I guess is strangely flattering. Today I experimented with ground nuts and fruits in a rollie to add taste, but quickly found out that the resultant paste isn't flammable. The other ones I rolled are all quite shit, and the last 2 are stupidly fat. I'm like 90% sure by now that my finger's aren't nimble enough for this.

Tonight's Matty's birthday thing, where it's like 60% people I hate, which should be fun... Added to the entertainment factor is the fact that Batu, in a randomly militant move, has decided that he wants to beat up Jack, which, let's face it, we all understand, but Batu's reasoning is bollocks. So that should be jokes. But there'll be booze and babes (excluding babes), so it shouldn't be too bad. I'm feeling a relaxed night anyway, so I'll probably just do what I always do at Matty's and just sit in a comfy chair with a beer, only interacting with people who come talk to me. But we'll see about that. I'll probably post something tomorrow.

Which reminds me, I have a new theory involving me and alcohol. Let's format this nicely.

Jagermeister
Made from: Mixed herbs and roots
Best method of consumption: Shots
Why I should never drink it: I feel really hot when I drink it, so the point where my skin feels like it's on fire.
Upsides: I was fine outside in the 5 degree night wearing just a shirt
Downside(s): I can't take the tube because I feel too hot, and I occasionally may or may not strip to alleviate the heat under such circumstances.

Wasn't that nice and prettily done?

Classical Keen-ness

While doing the Classics essay "How important to the Aeneid are the relationships between parents and children and what was the significance of these relationships to readers in the reign of Augustus?" I started to deviate into all the actually interesting historical links and Augustan messages in it. I've decided that if by the end of the year we haven't done an essay like that, I'll probably just write it for fun anyway, using the excuse that it's a revision aide, but actually because I'd love to write that sort of essay. I hadn't done any really interesting Classics essays in ages, and I was starting to regret applying for Ancient History, especially since I've been doing loads of really interesting Fundamentalism essays in RS, and I was really close to applying to do Theology (or as Dan would pedantically say, read Theology). Even in the essay I included some completely irrelevant material about Quintus Fabius Maximus Verrucosus Cunctator, The Great Delayer, who arguably saved Rome from destruction by Hannibal Barca's Mercenary army.

Which brings me to another point, the Second Punic War, in my opinion, should be studied much more, as it was one of the greatest wars in history. The death tolls were not matched until over 2000 years later in the First World War, and it established Rome as the power it eventually became, though arguably it was the First Punic War that established Roman ambitions. What is undeniable is that by the Third Punic War, Rome had territorial ambitions outside of Italy, which it had never exhibited before the Punic Wars. In fact, before the Wars Rome was confined purely to the Italian peninsula, and exhibited no ambitions, having 2 previous treaties with Carthage allowing them naval dominance of the Mediterranean, as she was a largely agriculturally based power at the time. Also, no power at the time would have been, frankly, stupid enough to challenge Carthage in the sea, as her naval power was long established, from her sailors expeditions round the Horn of Africa around 500BCE to her more than likely expedition to America, evidenced by Paraiba tablets which had Phoenician inscriptions, on it, now unfortunately lost due to a rebellion in the area after it's 1872 finding. This stone had Phoenician inscriptions on it, though at the time they were believed to be grammatically incorrect, modern research has proved, using photographs of it, that what was originally thought by Ernest Renan to be grammatical errors were grammatical features of the language not yet grasped at his time. Also, on a Phoenician coin found, there was a map of-what is thought to be- their view of the world, including much of Europe, including Britain, Africa and its Horn, and what is almost unmistakably the Americas. Also, many statues in the Americas depict men with flared nostrils and high brows, features common of Negroid men, not the North Americans, whose brows were much lower.

Anyway, I was sidetracked for a bit. The Punic Wars were the largest conflicts in Europe for millenia, and they helped develop Rome from an agricultural and peaceful nation into an expansionist martial power. Carthage's naval defeat by the Romans at the battle of Mylae was unanticipated by anyone in the ancient world, probably even the Roman fleet itself, especially as the Roman force was outnumbered by the Carthaginians. Yet their victory, as almost all victories of this nature are, was due to their innovation of the corvus, a "beaked" platform which could be swivelled from the Roman ships, quinquiremes copied from a beached Carthaginian vessel, and would hook the more nimble and skilled Phoenician sailors to spot, allowing the Roman soldiers, who were more skilled (though at the time they were mustered farmers, not professional soldiers), to cross and capture their opponents. This completely dispelled the idea of Carthaginian supremacy in the Mediterranean, and helped the Romans defeat their opponents, despite Carthage's superiority. It should be noted here, that the corvus was soon abandoned due to it's unwieldy nature, and the fact that ships equipped with it were in severe danger in storms, as the device weighed many tonnes.

The tactics and innovations of the Punic Wars remained in history for millennia, until the change in warfare brought by the railway and to a lesser extent firearms, though Napoleon still used many Hannibal-like tactics in his campaigns. Now, it is often argued that Napoleon was a poor general as he didn't create innovative new tactics himself, but I would disagree, as the mark of a brilliant general is not just innovation. Publius Cornelius Scipio Africanus Major is unarguably one of the greatest military leaders of the Roman world. Yet he didn't innovate at all. He simply took copied Hannibal's unorthodox(at the time) tactic, of arranging maniples of infantry between cavalry, and outflanking the opposing infantry using cavalry. In a twist of irony, Hannibal was defeated by his young opponent (or perhaps more accurately protégée) at Zama using exactly the same tactics with which he had achieved his greatest victory at Cannae in 216 BCE, a battle so bloody that the death toll of that battle was again remained unmatched until the World Wars. The infantry in the centre engaged each other, while the cavalry of either side met. Prior to this battle, the Romans had stolen Carthage's previous secret weapon, the Numidian cavalry along with their prince Massinissa(who lived to be 90, and was renowned for fighting and still being virile at that age), by aiding him in a civil war. Numidian cavalry were the elite cavalry of the Ancient World, and were practically unbeatable.

Therefore, as the cavalry fought on the flanks, the Carthaginian cavalry, made up of lesser riders, were defeated, and the Numidians chased them behind Carthaginian lines. They left the battlefield while chasing their fleeing opponents, and as they did, the Carthaginian infantry, which included powerful Gaulish and Iberian footsoldiers, pressed their advantage, and came close to breaking the Roman line. Yet at this crucial time, the Numidians turned back, striking at the unprotected Carthaginian back and flanks, eventually decimating the army. Hannibal lost, though arguably, and in my opinion, the better general, as his weak troops let him down. At this point I will note that at Zama Hannibal did have elephants, but they were useless, as by now it was common knowledge how to deal with them, and the Romans easily turned them away beforehand. This is why I hate that Hannibal is often associated with elephants, as he barely used them, most of them having died during his crossing of the Alps, and those that remained were hardly used, or effective. He should be associated with cavalry, as he, like Alexander before him, used them to great effect in an innovative new way, which his opponents didn't expect.

The Punic wars allowed Rome to become the military power that it became, which in turn led to the spread of Christianity. So to trace it all back, you can claim, as I do, that the Mamertines, who in 288 BCE captured Messana(modern Messina) and asked both the Carthaginians and the Romans for aid, are the reason that right now, Christianity in all its forms is the largest religion in the world, and has such wide reaching effects.

So, I've basically already decided what I'm going to write about in my dissertation for my third year at Uni, and to be honest, I already had by last year. I'll probably write another mini essay like this about the Aeneid and it's historical links, as is said, one about Napoleon, his classical inspirations and aspects of his generalship,  and possibly one about the Sengoku period, which despite what Matty's shit book says, exists, though I'll admit that I've forgotten a surprising amount about that period, and most of the little that I can remember involves the fact that at the Battle of Nagashino the Tokugawa army used the line formation, for the first time ever in history, against the Takeda cavalry, completely decimating them and establishing the previously untrusted flint-lock rifle as the next innovative weapon.

Anyway, I'm actually going to sum up in this paragraph, as opposed to the last one in which I clearly failed despite my best attempts. So, I'm going to write my dissertation, in all likelihood, about the impact of the Punic Wars on History up till now. And I can't wait. If not that, it's going to be on the Classical links of something. Unfortunately, the only professor whose expert field was Carthage works at Cambridge, which I didn't even apply to, so I'll be at a disadvantage to people who want to write on more popular subjects, such as Greece or Rome. I guess it's the nature of a History and Ancient History course that I want to involve the two, and I might actually do it on the influence of the ancient cultures on modern, such as the various figures, such as the German Kaisers, Napoleon and even the Founding Fathers of America, who have tried to emulate the Roman government. There's another dissertation in the making, America as the Modern Rome, another thing which I noticed, and after finding in Jared Diamond's book Collapse that it was not just my theory, I became even more interested in. So yeah, this is a MASSIVE essay, especially for just a blog, but it's still fun.