Well, Glenda Jackson didn't reply to my last e-mail about the mushroom, which hurt me deeply, so I decided, in my infinite wisdom (and spare time) to write another one, asking for information. This e-mail is as follows:
Dear Ms Jackson and whomever else may read this,
Many months ago I wrote to you regarding a problem which me and a number of my fellow Hampstead-dwellers have faced recently; the disappearance of the large red fake mushroom from opposite the Spaniard's Inn. I originally sent an electronic-mail detailing the problem and trying to highlight the trauma felt by those who passed it everyday and have sorrowfully noticed its loss, such as myself, who live in this constituency, and was told to send another e-mail with my postcode to prove that I lived within this glorious constituency. Yet since then no information has been forth-coming, leading me to seriously consider moving away to somewhere new, a land where my MP will care about the everyday plight of the common man who are under his or her care, a land of the free, a land of love.Yet, being practically Hampstead born and raised (except for the born bit and quite a lot of the raised bit) I have felt some reluctance at moving away, and thus have decided to give you, my MP, who cruelly left be feeling betrayed and abandoned earlier, one more opportunity to show that you DO care for us plebs who have given our lives and our souls to you in dedication (though, of course, in a completely non-Satanic and non-pagan way, damn those heretics!). Besides, there's always a possibility that you didn't receive my distress letter, which, though showing a certain incompetency in the system, is forgiveable.THUS, I would like to request some information under the Freedom of Information Act, which i presume that one such as yourself is aware of, otherwise this would be a situation requiring the introduction of a certain acquaintance of mine known as the awkward turtle. The information I request is as following:-What is the MP of Hampstead and Kilburn's stance towards the idea of National Service?-Should a situation arrive in which King Arthur and his many knights return to England and the land of the living from Avalon, as Geoffrey of Monmouth prophecied, would the MP of Hampstead and Kilburn vote towards remaining with the current system of government or accepting him as our leader once more?-Are there an designs in place in the constituency of Hampstead and Kilburn to ensure the safety of its residents from a possible invasion by Mole-people from underground?I would appreciate if the information could be returned to me in electronic mail to the address REDACTED, BITCHMy address is REDACTED, BITCH, and my name will be at the bottom of this electronic mail, you know, so there's a sort of build-up to the climax, and you'll be eagerly awaiting it.Not there yet.Yours flamboyantly, yet rather elegantly,Not yet either,Christopher Shapiro
So, bitch legally has to reply withint 20 days with the information I requested, which is jolly-well fun. Unless she believes that to find out all that information and send it to me it'll cost over 400 pounds, but that's just silly, and we don't do silliness.